Crisis of Conviction

I’ve been a terrible blogger.

I haven’t written in my blog in almost a month, and it’s been a rough month for me. I’ve been filled with self-doubt, self-hatred, and plagued with the conviction that if I don’t wake at 6:30 to start my day with my vitals routine the entire day is shot, so why bother … which of course continues to fill the self-hatred.

I tried readjusting my schedule to wake up later, and the first workday that I did that my wife missed her alarm and wound up late to work, something that she really cannot afford to do right now. So I moved it back.

I’ve tried staying up overnight to get tired enough to go to bed at a decent hour the next night, but I keep napping half the day away and staying up half the next night.

I’ve tried sleeping pills to correct the problem and they either don’t work or knock me out entirely too long (usually the latter).

So I’m torn about what to do here at 2:00 in the morning.

I’m not sleepy, I’m not tired, and yet … I don’t know what I should be doing except sleeping and being tired. Which means being awake is the wrong thing for me to be doing.

I’ve been trying to post this entry for nearly a week now, and I keep getting interrupted by things that are more important than blogging.

Do I keep struggling with trying to make my life better, or do I just accept that this is how I’m going to be for the rest of my life and let it consume me?

I’m so full of self-doubt right now, and it’s bleeding over into my other relationships. Friends can tell something is wrong but it’s not something we can discuss very easily.

I just want to cry.

I want to feel something, anything, besides lost and confused.

Every time I try to do something productive it gets lost in the shuffle and I don’t give myself credit for having done the thing. I just kick myself and tell myself why it shouldn’t be a struggle for me to do whatever it is I just busted my ass trying to do.

I just wish I could shake this feeling and get back on track. Been struggling with this for over a month now.

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