The Pursuit of Happiness

What makes me happy?

I asked myself that last night in this blog, and I had an answer. Tonight, I don’t have much of one.

We spent the afternoon with friends that came over to check on us both, and that was great. But the minute they left my mood tanked hard. Nothing I could do was pleasing to me, and I felt like I was going through the motions because I didn’t know what else to do.

Eating used to make me happy, but thanks to my health issues I can’t comfort eat anymore. I’ve sworn off potato chips entirely, carbs after 8:00 pm, salt, and seconds. I’ve got to get my weight under control if I want my blood pressure to normalize.

Pottery makes me happy, but I’m still a learner, and studio time is prohibitively expensive.

LEGO Architecture makes me happy, but I’m running out of space to display the finished models, in addition to the fact that the models I don’t yet have are generally the expensive ones.

Computer games used to make me happy, and now I mostly play one over and over again because it’s what I know.

Watching movies makes me happy, but I very often won’t suggest movies because I don’t know what would be the right one for my wife.

It’s like I have excuse after excuse of why I can’t embrace the concept of being happy. I don’t know why I fight being happy as hard as I do. Maybe I don’t think I deserve happiness. Maybe I’m scared of what happens when it gets taken away. Maybe I’m just numb to happiness these days.

I wish there were a magic button that would make me enjoy life again. I used to have fun. I miss those days.

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