Getting Back on the Horse

They say that the best thing to do, psychologically speaking, when you fall off a horse is to get back on it.

Almost three months ago, I fell off the horse.

Part of that I attribute to hyperfocusing on a new activity. Since February 8th I’ve logged almost 450 hours into it, and that’s taken my mind off the bigger picture.

But a lot of that has been me running from my problems, and getting deeper and deeper into depression.

The new activity has helped in the sense that it’s distracted me from my emotional and mental state, but in doing so it’s enabled me to hide from my problems.

I stopped maintaining my checklists some two and a half months ago.

I stopped logging my food intake long before that.

Fortunately this hasn’t been a rapid onset depression. Those tend to last for far less time, but also tend to be extremely severe. This has been a slow downward spiral, and it’s been so slow, in fact, that I haven’t recognized it for what it is.

Last night I had a conversation with my wife about getting me back on track. I felt better about myself when I was completing my daily checklist, when I was being otherwise productive, and when I had a little bit more balance in my day. The struggle has been with pain and lethargy. On days that I wake up in pain, or on days that I can’t seem to stay awake until mid-afternoon, I’ve been feeling like the whole day is shot, and there’s no point in even trying.

That’s my brain lying to me.

So today, I have woken up without any pain (fortunately) and have started logging both my checklists and my food intake. I’m tired and angry at something that literally just happened (it’s very minor, it’ll pass, but I hate technology right now) and so I have a couple obstacles in my way.

The difference, though? I’m determined not to let my obstacles define my day. I’m going to have a good day, a productive day, and I’m going to enjoy myself.

And I’ll be back tomorrow to tell you how I did getting back on the horse.

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