isolation

#610 – Burnt Bridges

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Usually around this time of night I feel isolated and alone. Tonight it’s a little worse. I feel like I’ve been burning bridges left and right and that I’m isolated because of my own actions, so I feel like I can’t reach out to anyone because there’s no one left to reach out to. My rational mind is pretty sure this is incorrect, but it has doubts. My irrational mind is likely creating evidence that I really have had ties severed because of something and my rational mind … can’t just dismiss it. The reasons are plausible and that just makes me a little more confused and a lot more scared that there’s no one left for me to talk to, that everyone is sick of my crap and that’s all there is to it.

Part of me wants to stay up all night, if for no other reason that it won’t take as long as it usually does, but I know that will further wreck my already precariously held diurnal cycle. My brain says sit and stew in this – I’m not going to ever get control of my dependent personality disorder if I don’t actively spend time alone.

I’ve got a lot of other doubts going on, but those are for another time. I should get busy doing whatever it is I’m going to for as long as I’m going to do it.

NaBloPoMo Day 21: A Brief Rant

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Today’s post is going to be nothing more than a rant – more like a pity party, really – and I feel horrible for writing it, but right now I can’t help but get this off my chest somehow.

Circumstances have aligned to where it’s almost impossible for me to get out of the house, even if I wanted to. My wife and I own one car; she works from 2 pm to 11 pm with a lunch hour between 7 and 8. Our budget doesn’t have the room for her to eat out, so she needs to come home for her lunch break to eat. That requires me to stay at home at least through her lunch break and prepare dinner for the two of us. I could conceivably borrow the car after dropping her back off at work, which would give me three hours of time to do whatever I wanted – except the same situation that keeps her eating at home prevents me from going anywhere. That means that if I want to get out of the house to socialize with anyone, it has to be between roughly 8:30-10:30 pm, and it needs to be something that doesn’t cost money. To the best of my certain knowledge, that pretty much eliminates any chance of socializing with anyone, so the best I could do is drive to something like Barnes & Noble and window shop, an activity that would be a constant reminder that there’s not even enough wiggle room in the budget right now for me to get a cup of coffee, much less purchase anything from the store.

And with those circumstances, it’s just easier to stay at home and continue to isolate myself.

I want desperately to be able to be social when I feel like it, but it seems to be so far out of reach that it’s best to stop wanting it.

I don’t like feeling this way.

I don’t like feeling like the only reason I can leave the house is to go to either a doctor’s appointment or to my therapist’s.

I can’t justify needing to leave for any other reason, and it’s starting to affect my mood significantly.

And honestly, at this point in time, I don’t see a way out of the situation.

I could always invite people over to visit me (to be fair, we have a house guest this weekend, which is helping this situation a good deal, but I dread when she goes home) but I don’t have anything to offer anyone. I don’t like not being a generous host, and right now about the only thing I could offer anyone is water or coffee. But inviting people in doesn’t get me out of these four walls, which is what I need more than anything right now.

I’m just tired of feeling like I’m out of options.