NaBloPoMo Day 23: Down the Rabbit Hole

Today’s prevailing mood started last night – I can’t remember when or over what – but this morning I was absolutely determined that I was the worst thing that had ever walked on two legs.

My wife, to her credit, tried to pull me out of it, but as discussions between the two of us go whenever I’m irrational, it turned into a shouting match; me in a desperate attempt to just be right about something by trying to prove everyone else was wrong, regardless of facts, and her in self-defense and growing frustration at my symptoms as they rapidly took over my entire worldview.

And then it faded, just as quickly as it had taken over.

And then it came back in a rush, and left, and came back, and so on, throughout the day. I even started planning self-harm (which in my case, to paraphrase Louis C.K., is to eat until I hate myself).

I must have made four separate and distinct full mood swings today alone.

It is important to remember that even with my meds working perfectly, even with the tools and techniques that I learned in therapy first and foremost in mind, that there are times that nothing whatsoever can prevent this from happening. The meds can help to minimize the intensity of the symptoms, and the therapy can help to diffuse a rapidly deteriorating mindset, but neither of these are guaranteed failsafe.

I’m at the point where I’ve expended so much energy swinging that I don’t have any left to swing anymore. Right now it’s a very subtle swing between “tomorrow’s got to be better” and “well, right now sucks.” I’m emotionally drained and physically exhausted.

I hate days like today. I’m ultra-sensitive to my environment, and I need to remember that during days like today almost anything can trigger a swing. It makes it dangerous to stay informed, as the news can often be triggering, and it makes it dangerous to be around people, as their actions can be triggering as well, even if they don’t intend for it to.

Right now sucks.

But tomorrow’s got to be better.


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